I’M LYING IN THE OPERATION RECOVERY ROOM AFTER AN EMERGENCY C-SECTION FOLLOWING 4 DAYS OF ON AND OFF AGAIN LABOR. I HAVEN’T SEEN MY SON IN AN HOUR AND THE ONLY THING I CAN THINK OF IS THE TIME TICKING AWAY AND THE BONDING TIME I’M LOSING. WHEN THEY FINALLY WHEEL ME BACK TO MY ROOM, THEY PLACE BENJAMIN ON MY CHEST FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE BOBS HIS HEAD, LATCHES, AND LOOKS AT ME KNOWING EXACTLY WHO I AM.
BEING A FIRST TIME MOMMY, EVERYTHING IS A FIRST- LIKE, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT WITH LABOR, OR DELIVERY. I KNEW IT WOULD BE HARD, PAINFUL, BUT WORTH IT AND AFTER IT WAS OVER I WOULD NURSE. I THOUGHT AT LEAST THAT PART WOULD BE EASY BECAUSE AFTER ALL IT’S HOW BABIES INTEND TO BE NOURISHED.
I CONTINUED TO NURSE HIM WHAT SEEMED LIKE CONSTANTLY OVER THE COURSE OF THE FOUR DAYS WE STAYED AT THE HOSPITAL, GETTING HELP FROM LACTATION NURSES, PUMPING, AND FINALLY GIVING IN TO FORMULA WHEN HIS BIRTH WEIGHT CONTINUED TO DROP AND HARDLY A DROP OF COLOSTRUM COULD BE SEEN. I WAS NOW FEELING LIKE A FAILURE. NOT ONLY DID I “FAIL” TO BIRTH MY SON THE WAY NATURE INTENDED, BUT I FELT LIKE I WAS FAILING TO FEED HIM. MY HEART WAS BROKEN AND I WAS CONSUMED WITH GUILT.
TWO DAYS AFTER RETURNING HOME, I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN AND MY RAW, RED NIPPLES BEGAN TO SCAB. I CALLED THE FRENCH BREASTFEEDING CLINIC WARM LINE VERY CONCERNED AND LEFT A MESSAGE. WITHIN AN HOUR, MERRILEE COSTELLO CALLED ME BACK. SHE SAID, “SO, TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON.” AS I SPOKE ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED, THE NURSING, THE PUMPING, THE FORMULA, SHE OFFERED AFFIRMATION THAT I WAS DOING EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO DO. MY BODY AND MY BABY HAD BEEN THROUGH A LONG, ARDUOUS LABOR, WITH DRUGS AND IVS AND IT WAS EXPECTED FOR MY MILK TO BE DELAYED. SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO KEEP PUMPING AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE CLINIC. HER WARMTH, SUPPORT, ASSURANCE, AND DEDICATION TO GETTING MY MILK SUPPLY UP WAS EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO OVERCOME WHEN I WAS ON THE BRINK OF GIVING UP AND ACCEPTING THAT I WAS JUST A “FAILURE.” AFTER TWO MONTHS OF WORKING DILIGENTLY WITH MERRILEE AND FOLLOWING HER ADVICE, WE ACHIEVED NEARLY EXCLUSIVELY BREASTFEEDING FOR 13 MONTHS.
THIS EXPERIENCE WITH BENJAMIN WAS SOMEWHAT DIFFERENT THAN MY SECOND, JOSEFINA. AFTER 3 HOURS OF PUSHING UN-MEDICATED, I DELIVERED VIA C-SECTION. AFTER DELIVERY SHE WAS IMMEDIATELY PLACED ON MY CHEST WHILE THE OBSTETRICIAN FINISHED THE SURGERY. WHEN WE WERE WHEELED TO RECOVERY SHE WAS PLACED ON MY CHEST AGAIN, AND THIS TIME BOBBED HER WAY DOWN JUST LIKE BEN. WE GAVE HER A LITTLE HELP…NOT MUCH, AND SHE LATCHED ON CONTENTEDLY AND STRONGLY! I WAS THRILLED WHEN I SAW COLOSTRUM ON THE FIRST DAY, AND WHITE YELLOWISH MILK BY THE THIRD DAY.
I CONTINUED TO NURSE ON DEMAND AND WAS PROUD WHEN WE LEFT THE HOSPITAL WITH NO FORMULA GIVEN. WE CONTINUED ON AT HOME, BUT THERE WAS SOME SORENESS AND A LITTLE SCABBING AGAIN, BUT WE KEPT WORKING TO IMPROVE HER LATCH. UNFORTUNATELY THE PAIN DIDN’T SEEM TO SUBSIDE AND TOOK HER TO THE FRENCH BREASTFEEDING CLINIC AGAIN AND FOUND THAT JOSEFINA HAD A MODERATE TONGUE TIE. AFTER CLIPPING IT, PAIN GRADUALLY DECREASED OVER THE COURSE OF A FEW WEEKS AND ACTUALLY BECAME SOMETHING I LOOKED FORWARD TO AS OPPOSED TO DREADING. I HAD NEVER EXPERIENCED BREASTFEEDING LIKE THIS BEFORE. NOW, THE ONLY THING I HAD LEFT TO TACKLE WAS MAKING SURE SHE GOT ENOUGH BREASTMILK WHILE I WAS AT WORK. I KNEW CARETAKERS TENDED TO OVERFEED SO I STASHED 2-4 OUNCES HERE AND THERE UNTIL I HAD OVER A GALLON IN THE FREEZER. I DIDN’T KNOW WHEN TO STOP AND PROBABLY GOT A LITTLE OBSESSED CHECKING AND COUNTING THE FROZEN MILK ALL LINED UP LIKE FLAT WHITE LIQUID GOLD BRICKS.
I RETURNED TO WORK WHEN JOSIE WAS 8 WEEKS OLD AND WAS ABLE TO USE THE BEAUTIFUL LACTATION FACILITIES AT WORK TO PUMP 2-3 TIMES PER DAY TO BRING HOME FOR HER MEALS. I WAS ASTONISHED AT MY SUPPLY AND THAT MY CARETAKERS NEVER EVEN NEEDED THE BACKUP MILK IN THE FREEZER. I WAS ADDING TO THE STASH EVERY DAY AND OUR FREEZER WAS RUNNING OUT OF SPACE. FORTUNATELY, I WAS INTRODUCED TO A MOTHER WHO NEEDED EXTRA MILK AND WE BEGAN A DONOR RELATIONSHIP. NOT ONLY HAVE I BEEN ABLE TO SUCCESSFULLY AND EXCLUSIVELY PROVIDE MY DAUGHTER WITH BREASTMILK, BUT I AM ALSO ABLE TO HELP ANOTHER MOTHER NOURISH HER BABY.
I CAN’T BEGIN TO EXPLAIN THE IMPORTANCE OF PEOPLE LIKE MERRILEE AND THE OTHER LACTATION CONSULTANTS IN OUR COMMUNITY THAT BREAK DOWN BARRIERS FOR WOMEN SO THEY CAN BE SUCCESSFUL IN BREASTFEEDING. WITH ALL THAT I’VE ACCOMPLISHED IN LIFE SO FAR, THE THING THAT HAS EMPOWERED ME THE MOST IS KNOWING THAT I NOURISHED AND SUSTAINED ANOTHER HUMAN LIFE THROUGH BREASTFEEDING. WHAT AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE IT IS TO BE A WOMAN AND A MOTHER. I LEARNED THOUGH, THAT WE CAN’T ALWAYS DO IT ALONE AND WE SHOULDN’T. IT’S OK TO ASK FOR HELP. I HOPE IN SHARING OTHER MOTHERS KNOW THEY’RE NOT ALONE IN THEIR STRUGGLES AND THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HELP YOU THROUGH.
